“How is football played?” is right up there with “Do I look fat?” on the list of her idiocy-eliciting inquiries. I’m not suggesting your wife is some treacherous harpy, intent on making you look and feel stupid, but it’s possible she may not really be interested in knowing about football at all. She may, in fact, just want to hear you stutter and stumble as you try to explain a game she knows is completely ridiculous (in other words, make you look and feel stupid).

Of course, she may sincerely want to know about the subtle complexities of the game of football. If that’s the case, you need to take advantage of this opportunity and explain the game quickly and clearly. Otherwise, you’ll miss your chance to finally bring her over to the dark side, and she’ll belittle your Sunday rituals even more than she did before.

Either way, you must be prepared with a reasonably coherent explanation of the game. This may sound simple, but if you’ve never tried it, you’ll be amazed at how difficult it is.

Here’s a question that belies the difficulty of explaining football: When did you first learn the rules of the game? Can’t remember, can you? It’s just something you’ve always known, and that’s one of the reasons that it’s so hard to explain. Another reason is that, despite the hard-hitting physical image of the game, there are a lot of subtleties and complexities to it.
Try this exercise to illustrate die difficulty of the task at hand. When the game starts, grab the dog (or better yet, the cat), and try to explain the game to him as it’s happening. You have before you a creature that knows nothing of the game of football. Every motion, penalty, and play call is a new phenomenon. You’ll explain what’s happening on the field, and you’ll get that blank stare (dog) or contemptuous glare (cat). Either way you’ve got more work to do.
You’ll soon find that explaining football is a royal pain in the ass.

If you want more practice, invite a European friend over for the game, and try explaining it to him. But remember, Europeans feel the same way about football as we do about soccer. So you’ve still got your work cut out for you. If you can leave Gunter or Olaf or whomever with an appreciation of the game, you may just be ready to try it on the wife.

Do not, under any circumstances, invite your friends over when you’re trying to explain the game. This is one time when it needs to be just the two of you. The consequences could be devastating for your relationship with your wife, your friends, or most likely, both.

The first important rule for explaining football to your wife is: Always begin your explanation before kickoff. You’ve got to lay out the fundamentals before the game begins, otherwise you’ll never keep up with the action and she’ll get totally frustrated. During the prenames show is a perfect time to begin. If she sits through those inane prename ramblings, she’s only going to realize how stupid this game really is. So, have a late breakfast, turn off the TV, and find a comfy chair in which to explain the game.

When you first begin explaining the sport, don’t get too specific. You can leave the details until during the game. For example, there’s no way you could explain something as basic as a fair catch ahead of time. Start with such introductory topics as offense vs. defense, kickoffs vs. punts, home jerseys vs. awabasic information in hand, she’ll have a good general sense of what’s going on when the game starts. Then, during the game, you can field all her specific questions.

In order to best prepare yourself for game time, repeat after me: No, honey, that’s not a stupid question¡­ No, honey, that’s not a stupid question … No, honey, that’s not a stupid question. Good, now you’re ready for kickoff.

It can be very frustrating to answer questions in the middle of the game. If you’ve got TiVo, this is the perfect time to use it. You can pause, rewind, and replay particular plays and explain very clearly exactly what’s going on. Otherwise, use instant replay to your advantage. You’ve got a good sense of when there will be a replay. With the help of John Madden’s coloring book scribblings across the screen, you can answer her questions.

This brings us to another issue you’ll have to face: the Madden Factor. Your wife can feel only one of two ways about John Madden. She’ll either think he’s the Will Rogers of play-byplay, or she’ll think he’s a complete moron. Be prepared to answer each claim. If he’s Will Rogers, say something about the populist appeal of football in these troubled times, and Madden’s role as an exuberant man-child. If he’s a complete moron, just agree and go get her another beer.

Finally, don’t give her too much insight into the true extent of your football obsession. Only let her sit in on home games at first, and avoid any mention of rotisserie leagues or Sports Center. That way, she’ll think that there’s actually some good reason to get excited about these games, other than the fact that they briefly fill that gaping void in your otherwise pathetic, vacuous life.