It’s not that we don’t want to talk about our feelings. Well, it’s not just that. Family therapist Michael Gurian believes men are biologically predisposed to silence in stressful situations. His book What Could He Be Thinking? Haw a Mans Mind Really Works includes a list of ten ways our brains differ from those of women, including biological and hormonal differences that he believes explain why women love to talk about their feelings and men don’t. Gurian may be on to something, and I’m sure most guys are happy to blame it all on their brain stems, but I believe much of the time we’re just completely clueless about what our feelings actually are. If we can’t tell ourselves what’s going on, we sure won’t be able to tell die wife. So, when she asks us what’s wrong and we say “nothing,” it’s not technically a lie. But as I’m sure you already know, your wife long ago stopped accepting ignorance as an excuse. Sooner or later you’re going to have to do better.
The first thing we’ll do is help you figure out what you’re feeling, and then we’ll work on the best way to express those feelings.
Before we get started, let me clarify that the feelings we’re talking about here are those embarrassing ones you’ve been taught to keep buried way down deep inside since you were a kid. Sure, you’re aware of the profound sense of joy inspired by cold beer, hot wings, or that Pam Anderson-Tommy Lee home video, but those are not exactly the feelings your wife is longing for you to share. She wants to know about your fears and frustrations (also, jealousy and insecurity, just not when they’re inspired by the Pam Anderson video). You know, the girly stuff.
There are a couple of ways we can begin to get in touch with our feelings. One is to think back on moments when you were angry or sad or frustrated. If your wife dragged you to see Bridget Joneses Diary, you probably felt all three. Another strategy would be to focus on your own emotions moving forward. If you’re having a tough day at work or you’re playing a miserable round of golf take a moment to ask yourself a few questions:
1. What is this emotion I’m feeling?
2. Why am I feeling this way?
3. What, if anything, can I do about it?
Recognize that it’s okay to feel this way. As you begin to get comfortable with acknowledging your own emotions, eventually you can begin to ask these questions out loud (try talking out loud while looking in the mirror). Eventually, you’ll find that when your wife asks you what’s wrong, you’ll have an acceptable answer for her.
The Power of “Because”
The next challenge is to give her a satisfactory answer. If you finally take the huge step of telling her you’re frustrated or depressed or scared, but then clam up when she asks you why, you’re only halfway there. What you really need to do is complete this statement:
I feel [name emotion] because [explain reason for emotion].
A great way to learn how to talk about your feelings to her satisfaction is to listen to how she talks about her feelings. She’ll give you more details than you ever wanted to know, but that means she expects the same in return.
Don’t worry, you won’t need to open up completely right away, sitting up all night gabbing, eating Nutter Butters and wearing your jammies and those fuzzy pink slippers (no matter how comfortable they may be). She’s been so starved for emotional nourishment from you that she could OD if you give her too much at once. Dole it out in dribs and drabs, a little sadness here, a bit of frustration there. If you ration your emotions correctly, you won’t need to shed a tear for years.
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