Salvation for the terminally distracted lies in a very simple technique used by teachers, therapists, and mediators called “active listening.” If you use these techniques while she’s telling you about what’s-her-name’s boyfriend and how he won’t commit, and how she can’t find pants that fit, and how you still need to clean up the garage, and wuh whaah wuh whah whahhhhhh…. Sorry, spaced out there for a second. Just try active listening. It works.

There are three main components to active listening: body language, asking questions, and summarizing.

Body Language

Ever wonder why your wife gets upset when you sit there “listening” to her with your arms and legs crossed, facing away from her and staring at the wall? It’s because your body is screaming out that you’d rather be doing absolutely anything other than sitting there listening to her. Use your body to show her that you’re paying attention:

- Stop whatever you’re doing: Put down your beer, the sports section, whatever, and actually lean slightly toward her.
- Make eye contact: Try to maintain it for about 80 percent of the time.
- Open up: Uncross your legs and arms, and sit in a relaxed posture.
- Acknowledge: Nod your head in agreement, or furrow your brow with empathy.
- Give a few “uh-huh”s to let her know you’re still with her. Be careful not to start nodding like a bobble head, or she’ll know you’ve drifted off again, starring in that beer commercial in your mind.

Ask Questions

Asking questions is the easiest way to show that you’re listening, and that you actually care about what she’s saying. Ask open-ended questions to elicit more information. For example, ask “How did you feel about that?” or “Could you give me an example of what you mean?” Avoid questions that will put her on the defensive, such as “What the hell were you thinking?”

Summarize
This is a more advanced technique that requires some practice to master. It involves collecting the main points and expressing them back to her. You’ll start a summary with “So, if I understand what you’re saying …” or “Am I right that you’re point is . . .”The risk here is that you’ll talk over her, which is almost as bad as not listening in the first place. Be patient, let her finish what she has to say, and wait for a chance to summarize.

Remember, you don’t have to really care about anything she’s saying, but if you open up, acknowledge, ask questions, and summarize, she’ll think you do. And that’s all that really matters. Finally, keep in mind that all of this will help you with that other related skill she’d like to see some improvement on: “How to Remember What the Hell She Said Just Yesterday.”